I decided to go visit Tiffany at the prison on Saturday. It was a nice visit, just her and I chatting and playing cards. Although it’s always nice to take Keelen to visit his mom, he totally monopolizes her time and there are just some conversations you can’t have with a 5 year old around.

Tiffany started to tell me about the recent drug bust in one of the units. They found drugs, needles, cigarettes and all kinds of contraband. Before every visit, I go through metal detectors and at times get “wanded”and patted down. I don’t understand how that stuff gets in there. Seriously…how do you smuggle in a pack of cigarettes? And why would you risk it? I started questioning (interrogating) Tiffany about the drug use. She has never failed a drug test in prison. Thank God for that. If she does….I swear she better hope they don’t let her out. I’ve already told her I am soooo done with this drug crap!

Then out of the blue she asked me “Do you know how I started taking Meth?” I was a bit shocked at the matter of fact way she asked the question.

Honestly…it had never occurred to me to ask her. I am not a “shades of grey” person. There’s black and white, right and wrong, good and bad….taking drugs is bad. End of conversation.

I could tell she was intent on telling this story and I could feel that “judgmental defensive mother” rising to the surface. What could possibly be a good excuse for taking Meth?

I quietly sat and watched her eyes as I listened to her tell her story. It was very short and to the point.

“I was a 19 year old single mom, working nights and trying to stay awake during the day as well. Keelen was a 1 year old. One night at work I was complaining about being so tired.  A co-worker said “Here take this. It will keep you awake”. He handed me a pill. I didn’t know what it was, but I was desperate and I took it. That’s how it all started and it only got worse from there.”

That’s it? One little pill? No big drug dealing “gang banger”. No messed up “meth head”? One little pill? The decision made at that moment in time changed her life forever.

It is sad she felt so overwhelmed and alone. I was on the road working and wasn’t there to help her. I would be going to Iraq soon. Again, I wouldn’t be there to help her. Would she have even let me help her. I don’t know. She is very independent and stubborn. Hmmmm  I wonder where she gets that?

I was very impressed with her ability to verbalize this moment. She wasn’t giving me an excuse or trying to justify anything. She was just stating a fact about a moment in time that altered her life dramatically. I just hugged her and thanked her for trusting me enough to tell me.

On the inside my heart was breaking and my “critical self” was savagely beating me up. I should have done this, I should have done that……the list of “woulda, shoulda, coulda” is endless.

One thing is certain, my little girl has grown into quite the amazing woman.